Okay, this column was supposed to be written last week, so you're going to get an abbreviated version of it. Maybe next year, you'll get the whole story.
I didn't just hate school when I was a kid. I still hate school with a fiery passion even though I last stepped foot in a classroom as a student over 12 years ago. I feel such pity for kids when they have to go back to school. When I was a kid, the end of August was met with such dread that words cannot describe it. But instead of empathizing with their pain, I actually feel like pointing and laughing at the kids in the school supplies aisle "Ha Ha - You have to go back to school and I don't!" Cruel, I know. It's passion, I tell ya!
My parents, thinking they were doing me a favor, sent me to Catholic school for K-8. I'm convinced that my feelings for school were formed from that experience.
I was at a little party the other day and was doing makeup on a third grader named Kayley. I asked her if she liked school. She said she definitely did not! Good answer!
I told her that he greatest thing I learned in third grade was:
Do not brush my hair in Miss Cafarelli's class.
I was actually yelled at for quickly taking out my brush and running it through my long hair, which tended to tangle. Not during class, mind you. During a break. But Miss Cafarelli, at about 30 years old, wore a wig, and I don't think it was for medical reasons. So I think she was jealous.
I went to public high school, where I actually learned some stuff, like how to say "whale" and "shark" in French, how hot young Robert Redford was in The Great Gatsby, and just how bad I am at math.
Then came college. The horror of horrors in my school life. I still have a recurring nightmare about college - it's time to take the final and I realized that I never went to the class. I still sometimes don't believe that I have a diploma! Here's what I learned in college:
- More than I ever wanted to know about the script for Raiders of the Lost Ark (we studied it for a whole semester in a screenwriting class - awesome!)
- The weird idiosyncrasies of the WKYC on-air talent when my professor was working there
- Just how gross dissecting a fetal pig can be (note: VERY GROSS)
- My Gothic and Northern Renaissance art history professor liked to reference paintings' and statues' "naughty bits." His classes were hella boring, but I tolerated him better with the Monty Python references.
- And oddly, I learned how the kidneys work (Na+ and K+ balance), which I've needed to explain numerous times when people in my family have had blood pressure issues. Makes me sound smart. But not really.
Oh, and I also wrote a sitcom based on Othello (yes! Othello the Sitcom!) that featured Ted Turner and Jane Fonda, the Home & Garden Channel, and Wisconsin Badgers boxer shorts. I HAVE to find that script!
Too bad the rest of it sucked big time.
Anyway, next year when the end of summer nauseous school feelings come back again, I will give more details....there's a lot more where that came from!!!
I didn't just hate school when I was a kid. I still hate school with a fiery passion even though I last stepped foot in a classroom as a student over 12 years ago. I feel such pity for kids when they have to go back to school. When I was a kid, the end of August was met with such dread that words cannot describe it. But instead of empathizing with their pain, I actually feel like pointing and laughing at the kids in the school supplies aisle "Ha Ha - You have to go back to school and I don't!" Cruel, I know. It's passion, I tell ya!
My parents, thinking they were doing me a favor, sent me to Catholic school for K-8. I'm convinced that my feelings for school were formed from that experience.
I was at a little party the other day and was doing makeup on a third grader named Kayley. I asked her if she liked school. She said she definitely did not! Good answer!
I told her that he greatest thing I learned in third grade was:
Do not brush my hair in Miss Cafarelli's class.
I was actually yelled at for quickly taking out my brush and running it through my long hair, which tended to tangle. Not during class, mind you. During a break. But Miss Cafarelli, at about 30 years old, wore a wig, and I don't think it was for medical reasons. So I think she was jealous.
I went to public high school, where I actually learned some stuff, like how to say "whale" and "shark" in French, how hot young Robert Redford was in The Great Gatsby, and just how bad I am at math.
Then came college. The horror of horrors in my school life. I still have a recurring nightmare about college - it's time to take the final and I realized that I never went to the class. I still sometimes don't believe that I have a diploma! Here's what I learned in college:
- More than I ever wanted to know about the script for Raiders of the Lost Ark (we studied it for a whole semester in a screenwriting class - awesome!)
- The weird idiosyncrasies of the WKYC on-air talent when my professor was working there
- Just how gross dissecting a fetal pig can be (note: VERY GROSS)
- My Gothic and Northern Renaissance art history professor liked to reference paintings' and statues' "naughty bits." His classes were hella boring, but I tolerated him better with the Monty Python references.
- And oddly, I learned how the kidneys work (Na+ and K+ balance), which I've needed to explain numerous times when people in my family have had blood pressure issues. Makes me sound smart. But not really.
Oh, and I also wrote a sitcom based on Othello (yes! Othello the Sitcom!) that featured Ted Turner and Jane Fonda, the Home & Garden Channel, and Wisconsin Badgers boxer shorts. I HAVE to find that script!
Too bad the rest of it sucked big time.
Anyway, next year when the end of summer nauseous school feelings come back again, I will give more details....there's a lot more where that came from!!!
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