Friday, March 04, 2011

Phil Collins retires; my knee has never been happier!

I could not be happier to hear the good news today. Phil Collins is retiring!!! This gives me a great reason to dance a jig a couple of weeks before St. Patty's Day. Maybe not just a regular jig - I will need to invent a

!!! SUPER JIG !!!

for this momentous occasion.

A lot of people have seen my Twitter profile (yo, follow me if you're not already) and wondered exactly what my problem is with a certain Mr. Phil Collins. No, my "unresolved issues" are not just a quirky little made up factoid to give prospective followers a glimpse of what my quirky little tweets will be like.

My problems with the defendant, Mr. Collins, run much deeper than that.

Without a doubt, the guy is the purveyor of some of the worst music of my generation - even though he's old enough to be my great-great grandfather. (And that was what you call a hyperbole, kids. In reality, he's only old enough to be my grandpa - and yet with less hair than my gramp had in his 90's.)

I really didn't like the reincarnated Genesis and was too young to understand the original with Peter Gabriel (I still sorta don't see how that evolved into conventional bullcrap music with the addition of a balding drummer, but maybe that is the source - aka "genesis" ha ha - of the problem.)

I  truly hated the song Illegal Alien, even though at the time I didn't realize how extremely discriminatory it was. The video was racist and filled with stereotypes to the extreme.

NOT* RACIST
(*And by not, I mean TOTALLY, of course.)

And then there's the mid-80's video where he's a bum and wears fingerless gloves, which are a staple of my winter gear nowadays. Not only did he ruin an accessory which is mandatory for a writer who frequently suffers from cold hands and lives in a cold weather state, but he made me think of a bum every time I've seen him since then.

The worst "P.C." (Get it? And I don't mean "politically correct"!) infraction came when I was in 10th grade and had knee surgery, which was followed by a long stint in physical therapy. When my mom picked me up from school and took me to therapy twice a week, the only songs we seemed to hear in a six-week period were "Another Day in Paradise" (the irony of that song was completely lost on my teen mind) and "I Wish it Would Rain Down" or whatever it's called. It's not really worth the three seconds to Google it. (Which is actually ironic - I understand this concept now - because I'm taking precious time to write a post about the dude. Sorry, but it's not every day you receive life-altering news like this. And if you guessed that was another hyperbole, you are wrong. My existence will never be the same knowing there will be no more Phil Collins lite rock to fear for the rest of my life.)

Anyway, back to my knee...added to the fact that I was on crutches, in a brace and wearing ugly shoes all the time, it was also the yucky end of winter in Cleveland, which is exactly as wonderful as it sounds. The rain was frequently fallin' (in fact every day was kind of like today) and if anyone reading this has joint problems, you know I was hurting more because of the dampness.

And Phil just rubbed it in. "Let it rai-ai-ai-ai-ai-n down, let it rai-ai-ai-ai-ai-n down on Kristen and her crappy kneeeee...."

Can someone say D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-O-N ?

I can. "DEPRESSION."

More insipid Genesis music came along in the 90's. More craptastic solo music too. The list of music related to that guy that I can't tolerate is a mile long. Perhaps the only songs I can stand are "Groovy Kind of Love" - first, it's a cover and second, pretty good memories are attached to it. And second, "Easy Lover" because Phillip Bailey, the signature voice from one of my very favorite bands, Earth, Wind & Fire, dominates it.

Phil Collins won an Academy Award for perhaps the most trite and awful song from a Disney movie ever (and this includes the Siamese cats song from The AristoCats). Does anyone remember how South Park skewered him and his Oscar? I know there were sour grapes involved, but Trey's Blame Canada SHOULD have won.

Anyway, I've grown very weary of the subject matter. I'm surprised I've actually lasted this long.

Allow me to conclude with a few lyrics he once sang (and I was forced to listen to in countless convenience stores, car washes, and bus depots). Ok, I don't think I've ever actually been in a bus depot, but it's the sort of music I would imagine they might play in one.

Jesus he knows me
and he knows I'm right
I've been talking to Jesus all my life
oh yes he knows me
and he knows I'm right
and he's been telling me
everything is alright


And yes, Jesus, everything IS alright.

Phil Collins is no longer making music. All is right with the world :-) :-) :-)

5 comments:

Jen said...

Nothing is more terrifying than the video for "Mama."

Jackie said...

You DO know that now that he is retired, they will be playing all of his old stuff over and over and over, right? RIGHT.

WriterMarie said...

I knew you would "run" with this news...and now you can, since your knee is happy! ;o)

Mel said...

If only Paul McCartney would join him...

purseblogger said...

Okay, love this! My new favorite blog!